Oneshot and a site update
Dec. 21st, 2003 08:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
calic0catMajor site update. Finally got Chapters 1-17 of Maldoror's "Two Halves: Circles" (sequel to "Two Halves") up. Also up: the Epilogue to Karen's "Dragonheart", Chapters 17 & 18 of Sol's "Dancing with the Rude Boys", and the third fic in Keiran's "Realisations Arc". If anyone notices any problems with links, etc. let me know please...
I'm splitting the oneshot to post to LJ since it won't let me fit the whole thing in one post.
*****************************
Title: Home
Author: Calic0cat
Story Completed: December 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Friendship, Romance
Pairing: 1x2
Rated: NC-17
Warnings: Swearing, Lemon, PWP
Archives: Eventually at Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com/ (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone else - please ask.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: The guys are in their late twenties in this fic.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
*** Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
#################################################
Duo chewed his lip nervously as he set the table and checked the progress of the home-cooked meal. This evening was special. Maybe he shouldn't say anything, at least not tonight... Maybe he should just - let Heero keep pretending. Hell, maybe he was all wrong about the whole thing and he was making something out of nothing.
'But I don't think that I am. He doesn't like it let alone enjoy it. And for whatever reason, he's faking it instead of telling me what the hell's wrong...
'I have to force him to admit there's a problem. Our whole relationship is based on how close we are. We do *not* keep secrets from each other. If I don't bring this out in the open, things'll just keep getting worse. And I don't know if I *could* just keep doing things the way we have been now that I've noticed...' Duo closed his eyes for a moment and made a silent wish that he was just - doing something *wrong*. That Heero wasn't having second thoughts about their entire relationship.
Moving into the bedroom, Duo started getting things ready for the evening, his thoughts running in anxious circles around the subject. He and Heero had been together for a whole year now. Tonight was the actual anniversary of the day that they'd decided - after a great deal of discussion and one hell of a lot of careful consideration - to give a physical relationship a try.
Neither of them had had much luck with relationships, despite having tried damn hard for a number of years. They'd both dated. Had a few short-lived relationships. Had both *wanted* long-term relationships. Lifelong relationships.
But neither of them had ever found anyone that they genuinely wanted to spend the rest of their lives *with*. No one who really knew them, understood them. No one that either of them had been able to trust enough to *let* that person know them fully. No one that either of them had been able to feel anything more than a strong caring for.
Except each other.
They'd been best friends for years. Their first loyalties were to each other and in many ways they had already shared a closer intimacy than either of them had with anyone else. They had confided in each other, spent more time in each other's company than on dates, argued and made up, looked after each other when one of them was sick or injured... When it came right down to it, the only real difference between their relationship and that of life partners - whether married or not - had been sex. For either of them to continue to search for someone to share his life with when they already *had* a virtually ideal "someone" in each other had seemed pretty damn foolish. So they'd decided - after a lot of very serious consideration and embarrassingly frank discussion - to give it a try.
They had known that they cared for each other - *loved* each other. That had never been in question. What *had* been in question was whether or not they could make the sex aspect work. Neither of them had been completely turned off by the idea but - well, they hadn't been exceptionally turned *on* by it either. They'd taken things slowly - very, *very* slowly - because of that.
Kissing had been kind of - weird - at first.
Okay, more like *really* weird. It had taken time to get used to making out with another man. The fact that the man in question had been his best friend, someone that he cared very deeply for and trusted implicitly, had been the only reason that Duo had been willing to keep at it until "weird" turned into "kind of nice". And once they'd really gotten used to it, the kissing and caressing had turned out to be damn good.
By the time they'd moved on to a little mutual masturbation, they'd been pretty sure that things were going to be okay. That they were both at least marginally bi. But - not a whole hell of a lot more than marginally. It was only the fact that they loved each other as much as they did that made them pursue the possibility. There had been no sudden onslaught of lust or desire. They had had to *work* at developing a physical relationship. And they had. Slowly, painstakingly, over the course of months, they'd learned each other's bodies. Had learned how to arouse, to please, to seduce. And with time and familiarity and the sheer wonder of sharing sexual intimacy with someone that they had complete trust in and loved deeply, the desire had slowly grown. And as well as loving one another, they'd slowly fallen *in* love with each other.
For a while, Duo had thought that things were going great. Heero had insisted on being uke when they'd finally gone all the way for the first time and despite being a little sore the next day, he'd seemed fine with it. If anything, he'd been a little reluctant to trade places the next time, in fact, but they'd settled into trading off fairly regularly. Though penetrative sex wasn't something that they did on a daily basis so "fairly regularly" still only worked out to about once a week and the total number of times for them both combined was barely into double digits.
The rest of the time, they did other things. Blowjobs or handjobs or just plain cuddling and kissing. And all of *those* things Duo had no doubt that they both enjoyed.
But...
Duo scowled at the lube and wipes he'd just placed on the bedside table. 'But I don't think that he *likes* being uke. I think he doesn't enjoy it much, maybe not at all. He's too tense and I know that he hasn't climaxed on at least one occasion, maybe more since he tried to hide it that time and almost succeeded. He tried to blame it on being too tense and tired from work but once I started thinking about it, I realized that there had been other signs that all was not well. I'm betting that's why he prefers to be taken from the back - so I can't see his face. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I just don't understand why he hasn't *said* something.'
Unless Heero was starting to reconsider the whole male-male sex decision and was trying to figure out how to break the news to Duo. And that was a possibility that Duo did *not* want to consider.
He glanced at the clock and realized that Heero should be getting home any minute now. He should have just enough time to check on dinner before meeting Heero at the door...
***
Heero sat in the driveway and stared at the house, knowing that Duo was waiting inside. Probably with a very nice dinner prepared and a wonderful evening planned out. Most of which, Heero *was* genuinely looking forward to. There was just one specific part of it that he was - less than enthused over. He'd been seme the last time that they'd had actual intercourse so that meant that this time, he had to be prepared to be uke. 'This is *not* a big deal, Yuy!' he reminded himself. 'It burns, stings, aches, but nothing worse than a hard workout. It's uncomfortable but it's not like Duo ever hurts me. He's careful and never rushes things; he always waits for me to tell him that I'm ready for the next step. And he takes *his* turn without complaining; I can't very well back out when it's *mine*...'
No. No way was he going to do that. Their relationship was too important to him to risk unbalancing it by refusing to take his turn as uke, no matter how much he disliked it. 'I don't want Duo to think I've changed my mind about us because I *haven't*. Everything else about our relationship is so *good*; I can't risk losing it because of one little thing that I don't like. It's not worth it.' He'd just have to hope that eventually he would get used to it, maybe even learn to like it.
Seeing the kitchen curtains stir, Heero climbed out of the car. Duo knew he was home and would be wondering why he was just sitting here. He didn't usually waste any time heading into the house. The door opened just as he got to it. "Hey babe, something wrong?"
Heero shook his head silently, pushing the door shut behind him as he stepped into Duo's welcoming embrace. "Just - thinking. Thinking about how much I love you. How glad I am that we decided to try this," he murmured, cupping Duo's face with one hand and gently stroking his thumb over Duo's cheek. "How wonderful this past year has been and how much I'm looking forward to many more years with you..." He leaned forward, bringing their lips together softly. Tenderly.
He loved holding Duo, kissing Duo, waking spooned together in the morning. Loved coming home to find Duo waiting for him. Loved spending quiet evenings together, talking and reading. Loved making love with Duo - in every way but that one. It was a small price to pay and Heero would pay it gladly if it meant having the rest.
Duo had been concerned by the length of time that Heero had sat in the car, unmoving. He didn't completely believe that there was *nothing* wrong - but after Heero's declaration and the very sweet, loving kiss he was currently enjoying, he was prepared to dismiss his earlier concern that Heero was second-guessing their relationship. No, there was some other reason behind Heero's silent stoicism over his dislike for being uke, assuming that he wasn't imagining it.
Flicking his tongue lightly over Heero's lips, Duo invited a deepening of the kiss. Heero accepted the invitation, stroking his tongue over Duo's and tracing the familiar contours of Duo's mouth. They kissed for long, languorous minutes, affirming and strengthening the bond between them. When Heero finally reluctantly drew away to catch his breath, Duo smiled softly and murmured breathlessly, "God Heero, I love you more every day..." He brushed a light kiss over Heero's lips. "You've got time to shower and change into something comfy before dinner if you want. Or you can keep me company while I fix the salad."
"I'll change into something more comfortable but I'll just wash up," Heero responded. "Then maybe we could shower together later?"
Duo smiled slowly at the suggestion. "Sounds good to me..." He gave Heero another quick kiss before heading off to the kitchen.
In the bedroom, Heero stripped out of his Preventers uniform gratefully. He would be glad when the day arrived that he would no longer have to put it on, at least for a while. 'Not long now. Duo's almost halfway through his Masters. Once he's back working and bringing in a steady income, it'll be my turn...'
Preventers had paid their way through getting their Bachelors degrees; they'd actually been *required* to complete them as a condition of employment - as had many others who were recruited right after the war. The agency had made special arrangements with a local university in order to accommodate work hours and class schedules. He and Duo had both planned to get their Masters the same way but once they'd decided to move from best friends to life partners, they'd altered those plans.
Rather than put the strain of going to school while working full-time on their fledgeling relationship, they'd chosen a different option. They'd flipped a coin and Duo had ended up taking the first leave of absence. Once he finished his Masters, he would go back to work and Heero would have his turn at being a full-time student. After that - well, they'd have to wait and see. By then, they'd both be thirty and Heero didn't think that either of them was going to want to stay at Preventers - at least not as field agents - long enough to repeat the process for a Ph.D. They already had joints that complained on damp mornings and bones that ached in cold weather; their bodies would only take so much more abuse.
Pulling on a pair of worn, comfortable jeans and an equally worn but comfortable shirt, Heero had to grin slightly at the idea of dressing like this for a special occasion like tonight. He would have dressed up more if Duo had but he was taking his cue from the comfy favourites that his lover was wearing and the delicious smells coming from the kitchen. Tonight was all about comfort and love and *home*. Dinner wasn't something fancy like lobster or even steak. Judging by the odours from the kitchen and the smudge of flour on Duo's cheek, Heero was betting that it was a beef potpie with dumplings. Simple, nourishing, and a favourite of them both.
***
Duo went about the task of fixing the salad automatically, mind running through the various ways that he could bring up the subject that needed to be discussed. He knew that he had to be careful in his approach; Heero's silence on the matter went against all the guidelines they'd set down before they ever did anything more than kiss. That alone was a serious issue even before getting into the question of exactly what the problem itself was.
'Not till we're done eating,' he decided. Heero had put in a long day at work; Duo didn't want to bring up a subject that could put their meal on hold indefinitely before the guy got a chance to refuel. He finished preparing the salad and set the two bowls on the table just as Heero entered the kitchen.
"Smells good," Heero remarked. He crossed the room and pulled Duo back against him, inhaling the scent of shampoo and aftershave and just plain *Duo* as he nipped gently at Duo's ear and murmured, "Not as good as you, though..."
Laughing softly, Duo leaned back against Heero and let the last of his concern slip away as he turned his head to meet Heero's kiss. Whatever was wrong, it definitely wasn't Heero having changed his mind about their relationship. That didn't mean that it wasn't important - it was - but it *did* mean that they had a damn good chance of fixing the problem because neither of them wanted out.
The kiss was a deep one and it was with an effort that Duo reminded himself that he wanted Heero to eat before they did *anything* else. "Now that you've tasted the cook, how about tasting the meal, hmm?" he grinned. "You wouldn't want all the cook's hard work to go to waste, now would you?"
"No, I guess not," Heero sighed. "Even if the cook *is* more appetizing..." He nipped Duo's earlobe just hard enough to make Duo retaliate with a flick from a handy dishtowel as he turned away. Duo snickered at Heero's startled jump. An instant later he found himself pinned against the refrigerator, both wrists captured by one of Heero's strong hands while the other hand tickled him unmercifully. Laughing so hard that he could barely catch his breath, Duo still put up a token resistance. He didn't bother trying to twist his wrists free from Heero's grasp; he didn't have the leverage for that. He just let himself go limp, leaving Heero's hand on his wrists as the only thing keeping him upright. It didn't do any good, Heero just let him slide down the fridge and followed him to the floor.
Heero broke off the tickling, hearing the hitches in Duo's laughter that would lead to a painful bout of hiccups if he persisted further. He loosened his grip on Duo's wrists, not wanting to bruise them and not needing to hold on so tightly now that Duo wasn't squirming to escape the tickling. Smirking slightly, he asked, "Do you yield?"
Duo's eyes sparkled with mischief and love as he managed to gasp out, "Depends... on the terms... of surrender..."
"Hmm... I think a kiss will do nicely..."
"What, you're not going to have your wicked way with me?" Duo batted his eyelashes theatrically. "I think I'm insulted..."
Heero snorted in amusement and kissed Duo, brief and hard. "Later..." he promised as he rose, easily pulling Duo up with him. "After dinner. I wouldn't want the cook's hard work to go to waste, after all."
The meal passed in comfortable companionship. They talked about Duo's upcoming assignment due dates and Heero's day at work. About finding a gift for Sally and Wufei's baby shower and whether Howard was really going to follow through on his threat to retire and move to Hawaii at the end of the year. About a dozen other inconsequential little things that happened to cross their minds at that particular instant in time. Just enjoying each other's company in much the same way that they had a year ago before embarking on their daring attempt to alter their relationship.
And it had been daring. They'd both thought long and hard about the risks involved. If the attempt to add sex to their relationship had completely failed, their friendship would - they'd hoped - have been strong enough to handle it. If, on the other hand, one of them had turned out to be completely straight and the other hadn't - well, that would have been a lot tougher to deal with. Maybe their friendship could have survived that, maybe not. Fortunately, they hadn't had to find out.
Instead, they'd ended up with a friendship that was even stronger and deeper than before, a bond of love between them that continued to strengthen, a level of intimacy that neither had ever previously experienced, and a sex life that was getting better all the time as they continued to learn and explore and experiment.
'Or at least it *will* keep getting better as long as we're both open about it...' Duo qualified silently. He hated to force the issue but he didn't want to risk waiting for Heero to tell him that there was something wrong. He wasn't quite sure how long the problem had been there - hopefully not long before he noticed it - but he had a sinking suspicion that was not the case.
"Want to have dessert in the livingroom?" Duo asked as he rose from the table.
"In front of the fireplace? Sure," Heero nodded. "You get dessert while I clear the table?"
"Got it," Duo agreed. He cut a thick slice of apple pie for each of them. The pie was still steaming slightly and the scoop of ice cream that he added to each dish started to melt right away. He carried the dishes through to the other room, hearing the clatter of the dishwasher being loaded as he went. There was just enough time to arrange the throw pillows on the rug and turn up the gas fireplace before Heero joined him.
They stretched out on their sides, facing one another. Somehow, Duo's teasing attempt to steal a bite from Heero's plate turned into them each feeding the other. Comfortable companionship shifted slowly towards desire again.
"The meal was delicious. My compliments - and thanks - to the chef," Heero murmured softly, setting the dishes out of the way before sliding closer to Duo.
"Can't take credit for the pie, I'm afraid," Duo admitted with a grin. "Bought that pre-made at a fundraiser at the U. Just had to bake it, not make it." He ran his fingers along the smooth curve of Heero's jaw, grin softening to a smile as he realized Heero had shaved before supper. He hadn't noticed earlier. 'Though I sure as hell would have if he *hadn't*...' Duo didn't exactly mind the rasp of stubble - though it had definitely been on his "weird" list when they'd started testing their limits - but one of the first things they'd discovered was that his fair skin broke out like crazy from it. Since at the time they had not been "out" - hell, they hadn't even been sure yet that there was a closet to be out *of* - it had been a distinctly embarrassing discovery. Stubble rash was rather unmistakable.
"Well in that case, my compliments and thanks for the chef's good taste in selecting it," Heero responded, a grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. He brushed a feather-light kiss across Duo's lips and ran his hand over the curve of Duo's jeans-clad hip and buttocks, feeling the firm muscles flex beneath it.
"You're welcome," Duo murmured back. He fluttered his eyelashes in deliberate reminder of their earlier horseplay. "Is this 'later'?" he inquired in mock innocence. He slid one knee forward to rub against Heero's groin and asked, "Going to have your wicked way with me now?"
Heero raised one eyebrow and fought down the temptation to take up Duo's offer. "Hmm, I think it's your turn to have your wicked way with *me*..."
Duo's eyes narrowed. "It's my *turn*?" he asked carefully. He hooked one leg over Heero's just in case he tried to avoid the discussion by taking off. "What do you mean, 'turn'?"
Heero closed his eyes for a moment, cursing his slip of the tongue. He swallowed hard, met Duo's eyes, and offered honestly, "I mean you had to be uke last time so..."
"*What?!* Heero Yuy, for god's sake, don't tell me you're keeping *track*!" Duo bit his tongue to keep from saying anything more. That had already come out as far more confrontational than he'd intended.
Very slightly and reluctantly, Heero nodded as he dropped his gaze to where Duo had grabbed a fistful of his shirt.
"Well *shit*." Duo took several deep breaths, trying to figure out what the hell was going through Heero's head. "Why?" he asked gently but firmly. Heero's shoulder moved in a slight shrug, an obvious sign that he didn't want to talk about this. Suddenly, Duo's suspicions regarding Heero's dislike of being uke clicked into place with the whole "turn" reference. "Heero, are you only taking your 'turn' as uke because you want to be fair? Even though you don't enjoy it?"
Keeping silence was one thing, outright lying to Duo was a completely different and totally unacceptable situation. Heero admitted, "Yes..."
The whisper was so soft that Duo barely heard it. He wrapped his arms around Heero and held him close. "You *idiot*. We knew going into this that we had to be open and truthful about things. That there might be some things that one or both of us wouldn't like. Why the hell didn't you *say* something? Why try to hide it?"
Shuddering in a mixture of relief that this was out in the open - he wouldn't have to pretend anymore - and fear of what the end result would be, Heero hastily tried to explain. "Because it didn't *matter*. It's okay, really. It's worth it. Everything else is good. I don't want..."
Pressing his lips to Heero's to stop the jumble of confused words, Duo tried to get his own thoughts in order. It sounded as if Heero thought that their entire relationship hinged on his willingness to go through with a sex act that he didn't like. That was just... seriously disturbing to say the least. 'Okay, we did do a lot of talking about balance, about keeping things fair, when we were first trying things out... That the pleasure had to be mutual before we'd move on to the next step... That must be behind this somehow...'
Breaking off the kiss, he pulled back just enough to meet Heero's eyes. "It's *not* okay, buddy. We promised to be open about all of this and you tried to hide something. That is *definitely* not okay. But if what you're saying is that you *do* like everything else about our relationship, including the *other* ways we make love, then yes, *that* is okay; our *relationship* is okay, or will be once you get rid of this silly notion about taking turns."
Heero shook his head sharply and protested, "I can't ask you to do something that I won't. And I don't want to give up that sense of connection, of... of *oneness*..."
Duo pressed his fingers to Heero's lips, stilling them. "Heero, I enjoy being uke just as much as I do being seme. You would not be asking me to do something I don't like.
"It's no different than me not being able to get past the gag reflex to deep throat you or to let you come in my mouth. I still try it once in a while because I *want* to be able to do those things for you and maybe I'll eventually be able to handle it - but I don't try nearly as often as you do those things for me. You do those things for me because you *want* to, right?" His eyes narrowed suspiciously as he demanded, "You *do* enjoy them, don't you?"
"*Yes*," Heero assured Duo hastily. It was abruptly coming home to him just how badly he might have undermined their relationship by trying to hide this. Now Duo was going to second-guess *everything*. "It's just being uke that I don't enjoy. I'm sorry, Duo, I should have told you."
"Yeah, you should have," Duo answered flatly. There was no sugarcoating this. Lack of communication would destroy their relationship faster than anything else. "Heero, did it ever occur to you that maybe you not liking it has to do with something *I'm* doing wrong? Maybe changing positions or spending more time on foreplay would help. We can try some of those things and see if it makes a difference. Hell, maybe I just need to make sure I'm hitting your prostate enough."
Heero grimaced. "No, that is definitely *not* the answer."
"You don't like that sensation?" Duo asked in disbelief. Heero shook his head. A faint memory of something from the research they'd done before deciding to try a sexual relationship flickered through Duo's mind. "What about other stuff? Fingering, rimming?"
"Fingering is okay until you hit the prostate. And the time that we tried rimming was - a lot better than 'okay'." Heero's response was prompt and frank. Duo was cutting him some slack over his previous silence; he wouldn't risk ruining that by not being completely open now. Talking about this kind of thing had been incredibly difficult at first but since they'd made it a rule that they wouldn't actually try anything that they couldn't even discuss, they'd had to gradually become accustomed to it. 'Until you kept your mouth shut when you should have talked, Yuy...' he thought disgustedly.
"Stop beating yourself up," Duo ordered, bracing one hand on Heero's shoulder and shaking him slightly. He knew damn well what that tiny line between Heero's eyebrows combined with the tension in his jaw meant. That was his "I fucked up" expression. "Yeah, you made a mistake by not telling me there was a problem. You know it was a mistake, right?"
The answer was prompt and firm. "Yes."
"You won't do it again, right?"
"Right."
"Okay. It's over and done with. Learn from it and let it go," Duo said. He leaned forward and kissed Heero tenderly, reassuringly. "We're okay. This isn't going to wreck things. Keeping things balanced does not necessarily mean everything has to be identical. As long as the *enjoyment* is mutual, things are balanced."
Heero kissed him back thankfully, pressing their bodies as tightly together as possible. He didn't want to lose this...
tbc
I'm splitting the oneshot to post to LJ since it won't let me fit the whole thing in one post.
*****************************
Title: Home
Author: Calic0cat
Story Completed: December 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Friendship, Romance
Pairing: 1x2
Rated: NC-17
Warnings: Swearing, Lemon, PWP
Archives: Eventually at Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com/ (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone else - please ask.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: The guys are in their late twenties in this fic.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
*** Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
#################################################
Duo chewed his lip nervously as he set the table and checked the progress of the home-cooked meal. This evening was special. Maybe he shouldn't say anything, at least not tonight... Maybe he should just - let Heero keep pretending. Hell, maybe he was all wrong about the whole thing and he was making something out of nothing.
'But I don't think that I am. He doesn't like it let alone enjoy it. And for whatever reason, he's faking it instead of telling me what the hell's wrong...
'I have to force him to admit there's a problem. Our whole relationship is based on how close we are. We do *not* keep secrets from each other. If I don't bring this out in the open, things'll just keep getting worse. And I don't know if I *could* just keep doing things the way we have been now that I've noticed...' Duo closed his eyes for a moment and made a silent wish that he was just - doing something *wrong*. That Heero wasn't having second thoughts about their entire relationship.
Moving into the bedroom, Duo started getting things ready for the evening, his thoughts running in anxious circles around the subject. He and Heero had been together for a whole year now. Tonight was the actual anniversary of the day that they'd decided - after a great deal of discussion and one hell of a lot of careful consideration - to give a physical relationship a try.
Neither of them had had much luck with relationships, despite having tried damn hard for a number of years. They'd both dated. Had a few short-lived relationships. Had both *wanted* long-term relationships. Lifelong relationships.
But neither of them had ever found anyone that they genuinely wanted to spend the rest of their lives *with*. No one who really knew them, understood them. No one that either of them had been able to trust enough to *let* that person know them fully. No one that either of them had been able to feel anything more than a strong caring for.
Except each other.
They'd been best friends for years. Their first loyalties were to each other and in many ways they had already shared a closer intimacy than either of them had with anyone else. They had confided in each other, spent more time in each other's company than on dates, argued and made up, looked after each other when one of them was sick or injured... When it came right down to it, the only real difference between their relationship and that of life partners - whether married or not - had been sex. For either of them to continue to search for someone to share his life with when they already *had* a virtually ideal "someone" in each other had seemed pretty damn foolish. So they'd decided - after a lot of very serious consideration and embarrassingly frank discussion - to give it a try.
They had known that they cared for each other - *loved* each other. That had never been in question. What *had* been in question was whether or not they could make the sex aspect work. Neither of them had been completely turned off by the idea but - well, they hadn't been exceptionally turned *on* by it either. They'd taken things slowly - very, *very* slowly - because of that.
Kissing had been kind of - weird - at first.
Okay, more like *really* weird. It had taken time to get used to making out with another man. The fact that the man in question had been his best friend, someone that he cared very deeply for and trusted implicitly, had been the only reason that Duo had been willing to keep at it until "weird" turned into "kind of nice". And once they'd really gotten used to it, the kissing and caressing had turned out to be damn good.
By the time they'd moved on to a little mutual masturbation, they'd been pretty sure that things were going to be okay. That they were both at least marginally bi. But - not a whole hell of a lot more than marginally. It was only the fact that they loved each other as much as they did that made them pursue the possibility. There had been no sudden onslaught of lust or desire. They had had to *work* at developing a physical relationship. And they had. Slowly, painstakingly, over the course of months, they'd learned each other's bodies. Had learned how to arouse, to please, to seduce. And with time and familiarity and the sheer wonder of sharing sexual intimacy with someone that they had complete trust in and loved deeply, the desire had slowly grown. And as well as loving one another, they'd slowly fallen *in* love with each other.
For a while, Duo had thought that things were going great. Heero had insisted on being uke when they'd finally gone all the way for the first time and despite being a little sore the next day, he'd seemed fine with it. If anything, he'd been a little reluctant to trade places the next time, in fact, but they'd settled into trading off fairly regularly. Though penetrative sex wasn't something that they did on a daily basis so "fairly regularly" still only worked out to about once a week and the total number of times for them both combined was barely into double digits.
The rest of the time, they did other things. Blowjobs or handjobs or just plain cuddling and kissing. And all of *those* things Duo had no doubt that they both enjoyed.
But...
Duo scowled at the lube and wipes he'd just placed on the bedside table. 'But I don't think that he *likes* being uke. I think he doesn't enjoy it much, maybe not at all. He's too tense and I know that he hasn't climaxed on at least one occasion, maybe more since he tried to hide it that time and almost succeeded. He tried to blame it on being too tense and tired from work but once I started thinking about it, I realized that there had been other signs that all was not well. I'm betting that's why he prefers to be taken from the back - so I can't see his face. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I just don't understand why he hasn't *said* something.'
Unless Heero was starting to reconsider the whole male-male sex decision and was trying to figure out how to break the news to Duo. And that was a possibility that Duo did *not* want to consider.
He glanced at the clock and realized that Heero should be getting home any minute now. He should have just enough time to check on dinner before meeting Heero at the door...
***
Heero sat in the driveway and stared at the house, knowing that Duo was waiting inside. Probably with a very nice dinner prepared and a wonderful evening planned out. Most of which, Heero *was* genuinely looking forward to. There was just one specific part of it that he was - less than enthused over. He'd been seme the last time that they'd had actual intercourse so that meant that this time, he had to be prepared to be uke. 'This is *not* a big deal, Yuy!' he reminded himself. 'It burns, stings, aches, but nothing worse than a hard workout. It's uncomfortable but it's not like Duo ever hurts me. He's careful and never rushes things; he always waits for me to tell him that I'm ready for the next step. And he takes *his* turn without complaining; I can't very well back out when it's *mine*...'
No. No way was he going to do that. Their relationship was too important to him to risk unbalancing it by refusing to take his turn as uke, no matter how much he disliked it. 'I don't want Duo to think I've changed my mind about us because I *haven't*. Everything else about our relationship is so *good*; I can't risk losing it because of one little thing that I don't like. It's not worth it.' He'd just have to hope that eventually he would get used to it, maybe even learn to like it.
Seeing the kitchen curtains stir, Heero climbed out of the car. Duo knew he was home and would be wondering why he was just sitting here. He didn't usually waste any time heading into the house. The door opened just as he got to it. "Hey babe, something wrong?"
Heero shook his head silently, pushing the door shut behind him as he stepped into Duo's welcoming embrace. "Just - thinking. Thinking about how much I love you. How glad I am that we decided to try this," he murmured, cupping Duo's face with one hand and gently stroking his thumb over Duo's cheek. "How wonderful this past year has been and how much I'm looking forward to many more years with you..." He leaned forward, bringing their lips together softly. Tenderly.
He loved holding Duo, kissing Duo, waking spooned together in the morning. Loved coming home to find Duo waiting for him. Loved spending quiet evenings together, talking and reading. Loved making love with Duo - in every way but that one. It was a small price to pay and Heero would pay it gladly if it meant having the rest.
Duo had been concerned by the length of time that Heero had sat in the car, unmoving. He didn't completely believe that there was *nothing* wrong - but after Heero's declaration and the very sweet, loving kiss he was currently enjoying, he was prepared to dismiss his earlier concern that Heero was second-guessing their relationship. No, there was some other reason behind Heero's silent stoicism over his dislike for being uke, assuming that he wasn't imagining it.
Flicking his tongue lightly over Heero's lips, Duo invited a deepening of the kiss. Heero accepted the invitation, stroking his tongue over Duo's and tracing the familiar contours of Duo's mouth. They kissed for long, languorous minutes, affirming and strengthening the bond between them. When Heero finally reluctantly drew away to catch his breath, Duo smiled softly and murmured breathlessly, "God Heero, I love you more every day..." He brushed a light kiss over Heero's lips. "You've got time to shower and change into something comfy before dinner if you want. Or you can keep me company while I fix the salad."
"I'll change into something more comfortable but I'll just wash up," Heero responded. "Then maybe we could shower together later?"
Duo smiled slowly at the suggestion. "Sounds good to me..." He gave Heero another quick kiss before heading off to the kitchen.
In the bedroom, Heero stripped out of his Preventers uniform gratefully. He would be glad when the day arrived that he would no longer have to put it on, at least for a while. 'Not long now. Duo's almost halfway through his Masters. Once he's back working and bringing in a steady income, it'll be my turn...'
Preventers had paid their way through getting their Bachelors degrees; they'd actually been *required* to complete them as a condition of employment - as had many others who were recruited right after the war. The agency had made special arrangements with a local university in order to accommodate work hours and class schedules. He and Duo had both planned to get their Masters the same way but once they'd decided to move from best friends to life partners, they'd altered those plans.
Rather than put the strain of going to school while working full-time on their fledgeling relationship, they'd chosen a different option. They'd flipped a coin and Duo had ended up taking the first leave of absence. Once he finished his Masters, he would go back to work and Heero would have his turn at being a full-time student. After that - well, they'd have to wait and see. By then, they'd both be thirty and Heero didn't think that either of them was going to want to stay at Preventers - at least not as field agents - long enough to repeat the process for a Ph.D. They already had joints that complained on damp mornings and bones that ached in cold weather; their bodies would only take so much more abuse.
Pulling on a pair of worn, comfortable jeans and an equally worn but comfortable shirt, Heero had to grin slightly at the idea of dressing like this for a special occasion like tonight. He would have dressed up more if Duo had but he was taking his cue from the comfy favourites that his lover was wearing and the delicious smells coming from the kitchen. Tonight was all about comfort and love and *home*. Dinner wasn't something fancy like lobster or even steak. Judging by the odours from the kitchen and the smudge of flour on Duo's cheek, Heero was betting that it was a beef potpie with dumplings. Simple, nourishing, and a favourite of them both.
***
Duo went about the task of fixing the salad automatically, mind running through the various ways that he could bring up the subject that needed to be discussed. He knew that he had to be careful in his approach; Heero's silence on the matter went against all the guidelines they'd set down before they ever did anything more than kiss. That alone was a serious issue even before getting into the question of exactly what the problem itself was.
'Not till we're done eating,' he decided. Heero had put in a long day at work; Duo didn't want to bring up a subject that could put their meal on hold indefinitely before the guy got a chance to refuel. He finished preparing the salad and set the two bowls on the table just as Heero entered the kitchen.
"Smells good," Heero remarked. He crossed the room and pulled Duo back against him, inhaling the scent of shampoo and aftershave and just plain *Duo* as he nipped gently at Duo's ear and murmured, "Not as good as you, though..."
Laughing softly, Duo leaned back against Heero and let the last of his concern slip away as he turned his head to meet Heero's kiss. Whatever was wrong, it definitely wasn't Heero having changed his mind about their relationship. That didn't mean that it wasn't important - it was - but it *did* mean that they had a damn good chance of fixing the problem because neither of them wanted out.
The kiss was a deep one and it was with an effort that Duo reminded himself that he wanted Heero to eat before they did *anything* else. "Now that you've tasted the cook, how about tasting the meal, hmm?" he grinned. "You wouldn't want all the cook's hard work to go to waste, now would you?"
"No, I guess not," Heero sighed. "Even if the cook *is* more appetizing..." He nipped Duo's earlobe just hard enough to make Duo retaliate with a flick from a handy dishtowel as he turned away. Duo snickered at Heero's startled jump. An instant later he found himself pinned against the refrigerator, both wrists captured by one of Heero's strong hands while the other hand tickled him unmercifully. Laughing so hard that he could barely catch his breath, Duo still put up a token resistance. He didn't bother trying to twist his wrists free from Heero's grasp; he didn't have the leverage for that. He just let himself go limp, leaving Heero's hand on his wrists as the only thing keeping him upright. It didn't do any good, Heero just let him slide down the fridge and followed him to the floor.
Heero broke off the tickling, hearing the hitches in Duo's laughter that would lead to a painful bout of hiccups if he persisted further. He loosened his grip on Duo's wrists, not wanting to bruise them and not needing to hold on so tightly now that Duo wasn't squirming to escape the tickling. Smirking slightly, he asked, "Do you yield?"
Duo's eyes sparkled with mischief and love as he managed to gasp out, "Depends... on the terms... of surrender..."
"Hmm... I think a kiss will do nicely..."
"What, you're not going to have your wicked way with me?" Duo batted his eyelashes theatrically. "I think I'm insulted..."
Heero snorted in amusement and kissed Duo, brief and hard. "Later..." he promised as he rose, easily pulling Duo up with him. "After dinner. I wouldn't want the cook's hard work to go to waste, after all."
The meal passed in comfortable companionship. They talked about Duo's upcoming assignment due dates and Heero's day at work. About finding a gift for Sally and Wufei's baby shower and whether Howard was really going to follow through on his threat to retire and move to Hawaii at the end of the year. About a dozen other inconsequential little things that happened to cross their minds at that particular instant in time. Just enjoying each other's company in much the same way that they had a year ago before embarking on their daring attempt to alter their relationship.
And it had been daring. They'd both thought long and hard about the risks involved. If the attempt to add sex to their relationship had completely failed, their friendship would - they'd hoped - have been strong enough to handle it. If, on the other hand, one of them had turned out to be completely straight and the other hadn't - well, that would have been a lot tougher to deal with. Maybe their friendship could have survived that, maybe not. Fortunately, they hadn't had to find out.
Instead, they'd ended up with a friendship that was even stronger and deeper than before, a bond of love between them that continued to strengthen, a level of intimacy that neither had ever previously experienced, and a sex life that was getting better all the time as they continued to learn and explore and experiment.
'Or at least it *will* keep getting better as long as we're both open about it...' Duo qualified silently. He hated to force the issue but he didn't want to risk waiting for Heero to tell him that there was something wrong. He wasn't quite sure how long the problem had been there - hopefully not long before he noticed it - but he had a sinking suspicion that was not the case.
"Want to have dessert in the livingroom?" Duo asked as he rose from the table.
"In front of the fireplace? Sure," Heero nodded. "You get dessert while I clear the table?"
"Got it," Duo agreed. He cut a thick slice of apple pie for each of them. The pie was still steaming slightly and the scoop of ice cream that he added to each dish started to melt right away. He carried the dishes through to the other room, hearing the clatter of the dishwasher being loaded as he went. There was just enough time to arrange the throw pillows on the rug and turn up the gas fireplace before Heero joined him.
They stretched out on their sides, facing one another. Somehow, Duo's teasing attempt to steal a bite from Heero's plate turned into them each feeding the other. Comfortable companionship shifted slowly towards desire again.
"The meal was delicious. My compliments - and thanks - to the chef," Heero murmured softly, setting the dishes out of the way before sliding closer to Duo.
"Can't take credit for the pie, I'm afraid," Duo admitted with a grin. "Bought that pre-made at a fundraiser at the U. Just had to bake it, not make it." He ran his fingers along the smooth curve of Heero's jaw, grin softening to a smile as he realized Heero had shaved before supper. He hadn't noticed earlier. 'Though I sure as hell would have if he *hadn't*...' Duo didn't exactly mind the rasp of stubble - though it had definitely been on his "weird" list when they'd started testing their limits - but one of the first things they'd discovered was that his fair skin broke out like crazy from it. Since at the time they had not been "out" - hell, they hadn't even been sure yet that there was a closet to be out *of* - it had been a distinctly embarrassing discovery. Stubble rash was rather unmistakable.
"Well in that case, my compliments and thanks for the chef's good taste in selecting it," Heero responded, a grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. He brushed a feather-light kiss across Duo's lips and ran his hand over the curve of Duo's jeans-clad hip and buttocks, feeling the firm muscles flex beneath it.
"You're welcome," Duo murmured back. He fluttered his eyelashes in deliberate reminder of their earlier horseplay. "Is this 'later'?" he inquired in mock innocence. He slid one knee forward to rub against Heero's groin and asked, "Going to have your wicked way with me now?"
Heero raised one eyebrow and fought down the temptation to take up Duo's offer. "Hmm, I think it's your turn to have your wicked way with *me*..."
Duo's eyes narrowed. "It's my *turn*?" he asked carefully. He hooked one leg over Heero's just in case he tried to avoid the discussion by taking off. "What do you mean, 'turn'?"
Heero closed his eyes for a moment, cursing his slip of the tongue. He swallowed hard, met Duo's eyes, and offered honestly, "I mean you had to be uke last time so..."
"*What?!* Heero Yuy, for god's sake, don't tell me you're keeping *track*!" Duo bit his tongue to keep from saying anything more. That had already come out as far more confrontational than he'd intended.
Very slightly and reluctantly, Heero nodded as he dropped his gaze to where Duo had grabbed a fistful of his shirt.
"Well *shit*." Duo took several deep breaths, trying to figure out what the hell was going through Heero's head. "Why?" he asked gently but firmly. Heero's shoulder moved in a slight shrug, an obvious sign that he didn't want to talk about this. Suddenly, Duo's suspicions regarding Heero's dislike of being uke clicked into place with the whole "turn" reference. "Heero, are you only taking your 'turn' as uke because you want to be fair? Even though you don't enjoy it?"
Keeping silence was one thing, outright lying to Duo was a completely different and totally unacceptable situation. Heero admitted, "Yes..."
The whisper was so soft that Duo barely heard it. He wrapped his arms around Heero and held him close. "You *idiot*. We knew going into this that we had to be open and truthful about things. That there might be some things that one or both of us wouldn't like. Why the hell didn't you *say* something? Why try to hide it?"
Shuddering in a mixture of relief that this was out in the open - he wouldn't have to pretend anymore - and fear of what the end result would be, Heero hastily tried to explain. "Because it didn't *matter*. It's okay, really. It's worth it. Everything else is good. I don't want..."
Pressing his lips to Heero's to stop the jumble of confused words, Duo tried to get his own thoughts in order. It sounded as if Heero thought that their entire relationship hinged on his willingness to go through with a sex act that he didn't like. That was just... seriously disturbing to say the least. 'Okay, we did do a lot of talking about balance, about keeping things fair, when we were first trying things out... That the pleasure had to be mutual before we'd move on to the next step... That must be behind this somehow...'
Breaking off the kiss, he pulled back just enough to meet Heero's eyes. "It's *not* okay, buddy. We promised to be open about all of this and you tried to hide something. That is *definitely* not okay. But if what you're saying is that you *do* like everything else about our relationship, including the *other* ways we make love, then yes, *that* is okay; our *relationship* is okay, or will be once you get rid of this silly notion about taking turns."
Heero shook his head sharply and protested, "I can't ask you to do something that I won't. And I don't want to give up that sense of connection, of... of *oneness*..."
Duo pressed his fingers to Heero's lips, stilling them. "Heero, I enjoy being uke just as much as I do being seme. You would not be asking me to do something I don't like.
"It's no different than me not being able to get past the gag reflex to deep throat you or to let you come in my mouth. I still try it once in a while because I *want* to be able to do those things for you and maybe I'll eventually be able to handle it - but I don't try nearly as often as you do those things for me. You do those things for me because you *want* to, right?" His eyes narrowed suspiciously as he demanded, "You *do* enjoy them, don't you?"
"*Yes*," Heero assured Duo hastily. It was abruptly coming home to him just how badly he might have undermined their relationship by trying to hide this. Now Duo was going to second-guess *everything*. "It's just being uke that I don't enjoy. I'm sorry, Duo, I should have told you."
"Yeah, you should have," Duo answered flatly. There was no sugarcoating this. Lack of communication would destroy their relationship faster than anything else. "Heero, did it ever occur to you that maybe you not liking it has to do with something *I'm* doing wrong? Maybe changing positions or spending more time on foreplay would help. We can try some of those things and see if it makes a difference. Hell, maybe I just need to make sure I'm hitting your prostate enough."
Heero grimaced. "No, that is definitely *not* the answer."
"You don't like that sensation?" Duo asked in disbelief. Heero shook his head. A faint memory of something from the research they'd done before deciding to try a sexual relationship flickered through Duo's mind. "What about other stuff? Fingering, rimming?"
"Fingering is okay until you hit the prostate. And the time that we tried rimming was - a lot better than 'okay'." Heero's response was prompt and frank. Duo was cutting him some slack over his previous silence; he wouldn't risk ruining that by not being completely open now. Talking about this kind of thing had been incredibly difficult at first but since they'd made it a rule that they wouldn't actually try anything that they couldn't even discuss, they'd had to gradually become accustomed to it. 'Until you kept your mouth shut when you should have talked, Yuy...' he thought disgustedly.
"Stop beating yourself up," Duo ordered, bracing one hand on Heero's shoulder and shaking him slightly. He knew damn well what that tiny line between Heero's eyebrows combined with the tension in his jaw meant. That was his "I fucked up" expression. "Yeah, you made a mistake by not telling me there was a problem. You know it was a mistake, right?"
The answer was prompt and firm. "Yes."
"You won't do it again, right?"
"Right."
"Okay. It's over and done with. Learn from it and let it go," Duo said. He leaned forward and kissed Heero tenderly, reassuringly. "We're okay. This isn't going to wreck things. Keeping things balanced does not necessarily mean everything has to be identical. As long as the *enjoyment* is mutual, things are balanced."
Heero kissed him back thankfully, pressing their bodies as tightly together as possible. He didn't want to lose this...
tbc
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Date: 2003-12-22 12:59 pm (UTC)