calic0cat | Conclusion of the oneshot...

Breaking things off with Kim was... difficult. Painful. For her - and for me. Especially since I didn't really have a good explanation for my sudden change of heart; I certainly wasn't about to tell her the *real* reason. She made it pretty clear that she'd been thinking in terms of rings and houses and that she'd thought that I was too. And I had to admit that what she was describing had a certain appeal. But it didn't change anything; Heero needed me and that took priority. So I shook my head and offered an apologetic, "Things have been moving pretty fast. Too fast. I'm sorry but I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment."

I'm sure you can guess how well *that* went over. Kim didn't get particularly nasty but she was hurt and upset and I felt like the biggest jerk in the whole damn Earth Sphere. But I didn't back down from my decision.

Kim was bright and attractive and outgoing and independent; she had plenty of friends to help her get over me and would have no problem catching someone else's eye whenever she started looking again. She'd do just fine without me.

Heero had friends too. Not as many, but he *did* have friends. But his life and mine were so tightly entwined that even a partial withdrawal on my part left him unhappy. Maybe we were *too* close, maybe he depended on me too much. Probably a shrink would think so. But I wouldn't hurt Heero by pulling away, not when he'd actually trusted me sufficiently to let me close enough *to* hurt him. And I knew that getting him into counselling was a lost cause. Even if I *could* somehow persuade him to go, it would be useless.

All five of us had undergone extensive training in resisting interrogation and not all of those interrogation techniques had involved brute force or drugs. We'd been taught every trick of psychiatry and psychology in the textbooks and quite a few that weren't. We knew the "right" way to respond to every possible approach; could make a doctor produce whatever diagnosis we wanted. Could turn everything a therapist said right back at him without letting his words affect us whatsoever.

We - or at least those of us *in* Preventers - were, according to every shrink in the agency's employ, "therapy-proof".

It drove them nuts. We always gave all the "right" answers during our mandatory counselling sessions. They couldn't *prove* that there was anything wrong, that we weren't being completely on-the-level, so they had to keep signing off on our clearances. But it irritated the hell out of them.

Even if Heero could be persuaded to actually cooperate with a counsellor of some description, it would never work. He wouldn't or couldn't open up emotionally around people that he knew and trusted; talking to some therapist about personal issues would be utterly impossible.

And it wasn't as if he were *totally* dependent on me. He had other friends and acquaintances. He spent time with those people, just not as much as he spent with me. And he functioned just fine in a social setting - perfectly polite in a very formal, reserved kind of way. He didn't particularly *like* being in those kinds of situations - but he could handle them. Heero wasn't socially incompetent by any means. He just - preferred solitude over crowds. And apparently, preferred my company over only his own.

Which was okay - hell, more than okay, it was great that he'd reached that point, that he'd let himself need someone else that much, and I was flattered and proud that that "someone" was me... and it wasn't like I hadn't been perfectly happy *before* Kim came along...

It was still rough breaking up with her.

But hey - that didn't change the fact that Heero came first. He was my partner and my best friend. I would never knowingly hurt him and my relationship with Kim *had* been hurting him. So while I might be sorry that it was *necessary* to break up with Kim and even more sorry that I'd had to hurt her... that didn't mean that I regretted doing so.

Especially not when Heero's newfound tendency to be accident-prone completely disappeared after that.

***

I'd expected the wordless requests for my time to end once I stopped dating Kim. But they didn't. They weren't *frequent* but they did make an appearance every so often. And they diversified a bit. There were tickets to a hockey playoff game one time. And on another occasion, it was Heero's binoculars and bird field guide that awaited me. Birdwatching wasn't really my thing but he enjoyed it and if he wanted my company on one of his trips, I didn't mind tagging along. It was nice to have Heero asking me to do things with him instead of me doing all the inviting. Okay, so he wasn't asking me with *words*. Big deal. Actions were easier for him; as long as I could figure out the request, I'd gladly give whatever he could manage to ask for.

Things went on that way for quite a while. The fact that Heero had made some small gains in expressing his own wants and needs provided me with some much-needed reassurance that I'd done the right thing. Much-needed because I missed dating Kim and seeing her at work - especially once she started dating again - was uncomfortable at best. I think she found it difficult too because she finally transferred to another city.

Much to my own surprise, I sort of missed the whole dinner-and-a-movie-with-someone-I-like kind of thing. So a few months after Kim's departure, I started thinking about dating again. Nothing steady enough to make Heero feel threatened - just occasional casual dates, ones where it was understood upfront that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. I figured that as long as I kept it down to once every couple of weeks, Heero wouldn't get worried.

Yeah, right.

I found out in a hurry that Heero wasn't about to take any chances. Just one date with the lawyer who lived two floors above our apartment resulted in a whole week of breakfast plate adornments. And when the cute new member of the secretarial pool asked me to join her for lunch, Heero managed to keep us out of the office at lunchtime for the next two weeks. Apparently even occasional dates were too risky as far as he was concerned.

Oh, I didn't just give up on dating. It's not like spending the next week (or two) after a date keeping my best friend company was a hardship. I thought that eventually he'd get used to me going on dates once in a while and he'd stop overreacting.

Eventually.

But he didn't. In fact, the time between dates gradually got longer as Heero extended the period during which he would keep my days fully occupied following me spending time with someone else. (Yes, some*one* else, singular. Group activities didn't have the same effect, even if Heero wasn't part of the group. He obviously didn't consider those a threat.) And frankly, it didn't really bother me that I was down to maybe one date a month, max. After all, a lot of the things that Heero and I were doing together were the same sort of things that I'd have been doing on a date anyway.

Okay, okay, so I was missing the obvious. I just - hadn't ever seriously *thought* about Heero that way. And the fact that other people thought that Heero and I were dating didn't mean anything to me because those rumours had been around for *years*. So I kind of - err - overlooked - the fact that I *was* dating.

In retrospect, I'm not sure whether that's more amusing or embarrassing. Looking back, I can see the gradual shift from "best friends hanging out together" to "dating" but it wasn't nearly that obvious to me at the time. I chalked the switch from curling up at opposite ends of the couch to stretching out and sharing up to another improvement in Heero's ability to "ask" for what he needed. I was so used to just giving him whatever he asked for that I never stopped to consider *why* he stretched out full-length on the couch and quite obviously positioned himself to leave room for me to join him. If I had stopped to think about it, I'd have probably blamed his apparent need for more contact on the fact that I'd been out of town visiting Hilde for a few days.

Of course, that didn't explain why we never did go back to the previous status quo.

There were lots of little things like that. Changes in the degree of intimacy between Heero and I. Changes in how open he allowed himself to be with me. Things that I was happy to see but that I didn't *notice*. That I didn't think about the meaning and ramifications of.

Which explains why that first kiss was such a damn shock.

It was a simple, chaste touch of lips, so light and so brief that I thought at first that I'd imagined it. Was sure that I must have imagined it. Until the hopeful, expectant gleam faded from Heero's eyes as I stared at him speechlessly, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. "Wait," I said hurriedly. He was shutting down, fast and hard, and if I didn't do something *now*, the question of exactly what had happened would be a moot point because it would never happen again. Reaching out, I caught his arm before he could move away physically too. "Heero, wait. I'm sorry; you just caught me by surprise." I tilted my head and coaxed, "How 'bout a do-over?"

He hesitated, a faint flicker of emotion crossing his face too quickly for me to read it.

"Please?" There was no time to consider whether I was doing the right thing in encouraging Heero. No time to think about this shift in our relationship. No time to decide whether my own feelings for Heero could take this particular direction. I'd worry about all of that later. For now, all that was important was undoing the damage I'd just done with my failure to respond to that tentative, hopeful advance.

The second kiss was just as brief and light as the first; the merest brush of dry lips. I smiled gently as Heero drew back, then I leaned forward and returned the caress. He made a small sound - a tiny, strangled gasp - then threw his arms around me in a grip that I knew would leave bruises. He didn't kiss me again, just ducked his head into the crook of my neck and hung on, tiny tremors shuddering through him. Opening up this much had taken an incredible effort for him and my initial fumble hadn't made things any easier.

I managed to work my arms free enough to get them around Heero so that I could rub his back soothingly. I knew better than to talk at all, let alone ask questions. So I just held him, rocked us back and forth slightly, and wondered. Wondered how on earth we'd ended up in this situation and why the hell I hadn't seen it coming.

***

It was pretty late but we eventually did get to bed that night. Heero didn't seem to want me out of reach, hovering in my doorway until I held up the covers and patted the mattress in invitation. I spent the night with his arms tightly wrapped around me. He slept, so deeply and peacefully that he never stirred. I know, because I did not. Sleep, that is. Instead, I thought.

I reviewed the past months and years, my mind filled with a confused tangle of questions.

What was Heero really feeling? Sure, I'd gotten pretty good at reading him over the years but this was new territory. I knew he trusted me, cared for me. Loved me?

Yeah, he probably did. He was far more open with me than with anyone else, even the other pilots. If I was sick or injured, he took care of me just as carefully and thoughtfully as I looked after him when the circumstances were reversed. He looked to me for comfort and affection and would readily offer the same in return.

But was he in love with me? Or was he just trying to ensure that I wouldn't need to date anymore, to make certain that he would always come first in my priorities and that he would never have to share me with a lover or lifemate?

That was a tougher call. But...

His expression had gone from hope to hurt to total shutdown when I hadn't immediately responded to that first kiss. There'd been nothing calculated about the whole thing; he would have been more confident and assertive if he'd been less emotionally involved.

How far did he intend to take our relationship? Did he really desire me? As kisses went, the ones we'd exchanged were pretty damn tame but he *had* just been testing the waters, more or less.

How did *I* really feel about all of this? Could I fall in love with Heero?

Sure, I loved him; he was my best friend. There was no question that I was willing to spend the rest of my life with him; I'd decided back when I broke up with Kim that I would stay with Heero for as long as he wanted and needed me there. But in love?

Gender wasn't an issue. Okay, so Kim had been female but it was the person not the plumbing that I cared about. And I wasn't worried about what people might say; they'd been saying it for years now anyway thanks to those persistent rumours about Heero and I. It hadn't bothered me before; I certainly wasn't about to let it start now.

Did I find him attractive? Desirable?

Heero was good-looking, no doubt about it. Not drop-dead gorgeous but definitely attractive. Moreso in private, when he let his guard down a bit and traces of emotion slipped through.

Could I imagine making love with him?

Well... no. Not really.

But my imagination fell short on the "making love with a guy" part rather than on "with Heero". What little knowledge I had was vague and rather nasty, bits and pieces of things seen and heard on the streets as a kid. Some factual research was definitely in order.

Simple touching though... I had no problem imagining Heero's hands on my body. I knew from countless back rubs and careful tending of awkwardly-located injuries on several occasions that Heero's touch was gentle but firm, his fingers quick and sure. A shiver ran through me at the thought of those hands exploring my body with pure pleasure in mind. And as for returning the attentions...

I smiled in anticipation. Heero had always soaked up bodily contact from me and making him feel good - happy and content - was one of my ongoing goals. Giving him pleasure would give me pleasure as well.

Okay, I wasn't so sure about everything else, but touching in an intimate way wouldn't be a problem.

Could I live with the fact that I would probably always have to guess at his emotions, that I would probably never hear him openly say, "I love you" or ask outright to be held? That I would always have to pay very close attention to his actions, always be on watch for hidden trouble signs?

Always paying close attention to his actions and watching for subtle signs of trouble - that I could live with. I'd been willing to live with it as best friends, after all. Never hearing him say "I love you" though... That was a tough one. Too tough?

Listening to Heero's steady breathing, feeling the moist puff of his breath between my shoulderblades and the warm weight of his arm wrapped around me, remembering the all-too-brief flash of joy and relief that I'd glimpsed before he hid his face against me earlier, I decided that no, it wasn't too tough. Words weren't the only way to say, "I love you".

Could I fall in love with Heero? With my imperfect, so-very-human best friend and partner?

I closed my eyes and considered the question for a very long time. I had to be sure, very sure, about this. A failed relationship with the one person that he occasionally let inside his emotional defences would convince Heero never to allow anyone that close again. If I screwed this up, Heero would pay the price.

Could I fall in love with Heero?

I let my breath out slowly in relief as I realized that the answer was a resounding affirmative.

Yeah, I could fall in love with my best friend.

No, not "could".

*Would*.

I *would* fall in love with Heero. He was already the most important person in my life. Falling in love with him wouldn't be hard at all.

#################################################

Kind of different from my usual style, but I hope folks like it anyway...

Current Mood: anxious

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

nataliethompson.livejournal.com

I don't like it.

I LOVE it.

*hugs and smiles and all that good stuff* Thanks for sharing the sap.

From:

sunhawk16.livejournal.com

Oh, you tweaked it a little! It's an odd style, but I do like it. I like Duo's total commitment without hesitation, even before he realizes what's going on between them. But then... I'm a sucker for self-sacrificing Duo! ^__^
Though... it would still be interesting to see a sequel from Heero's POV. *ducks and runs*

From:

rageboxalice.livejournal.com

//I *would* fall in love with Heero. He was already the most important person in my life. Falling in love with him wouldn't be hard at all.//

*smirks* Sounds to me like it's already a foregone conclusion. Not "would" so much as "already did and just didn't notice until now".

From:

kitana-bradford.livejournal.com

::stares at you:: Oh. My. God. That fic... it was...
perfect.
This is definately going amung my list of favorite fics ever! ::beams::
It's everything I've been wishing someone would write and not quite finding. I mean, there are other amazing stuff available (obviously) but this... this is what I started into the fandom to find and rarely ever did.
::glomps you and refuses to let go::
The only thing I don't like about this fic?
That's it's only a one-shot. ::sad sigh::
Thank you sooooo much for sharing that!!! ::cuddles::

PS: I really liked the "Person not plumbing" line. LOL

From:

terraharpel.livejournal.com

this is realy good calic0cat,

I like the story and there dynamic in it and the conclusion ^___^

thank you for writing and sharing.

-terra-

From:

arielhime.livejournal.com

I love it, calic0! You are such an incredibly talented writer and I love all of your Heero-Duo fics!

*smiles brightly*
Thank you for sharing!

~ Ariel

From:

Conclusion of the oneshot...

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